Hello everyone out there who cares to read these things!
I figured it was well past time to give you all an update in my life, especially now that I am starting to feel so much better about myself. I was depressed for a long, long time; so long that I thought it was how I was supposed to feel normally. There were flashes of happiness, of course, but my general state was what most people would consider down.
Things have been on a significant uptick over the past year plus though. I finally admitted to myself that a relationship I was in was not what was best for me because it would not go anywhere; why would it when she could have her cake and eat it too - one for stability and for appearances with her family and lifestyle and me to actually experience what love was supposed to be? So I found myself looking for a different relationship, a better one, and I found it. I can honestly say that the time I've had with my current love has been some of the best of my life when it comes to interactions with the opposite sex. But even the happiness of being with her and all my friends could not quite completely erase my depressive nature.
Finally, after speaking to many doctors, I've decided to try an antidepressant again. The last one I was on did bad things to my heart, raising my resting heart rate from 62 to 96, so I had to get off it quickly before any damage was done. So I was understandably worried and did a lot of research into my choices before I talked it over with my doctors and therapist.
I'm now 2 weeks into my medication and I can really see the difference. I still experience the full range of emotions, but I no longer get so sucked into them (especially the negative ones) that I cannot move on to anything else. Something happened recently where I found my ex once more broke a promise to me, even though she had sworn to uphold it even after we'd broken up. I'd been fuming over it on and off, not really able to let it go (insert obligatory song). But on the medication, I've been able to move on, putting this and a lot of other things that have been haunting me behind me. It's just not worth it to remain angry over these things and over people who are no longer part of my life.
It's like someone reached into my brain and clicked off the greyscale box. Everything, everything just feels more real, more vivid, more interactive. It's like I'm becoming an active part of life again, not just existing on its fringes. It's like every day I look around me and say "Wow, this is what I've been missing? No wonder people thought I was depressed all the time.
So what does that mean? Well, for the first time in years, I feel the stirrings of my muse again. The urge to write, almost the need to do so. I'll be spending some time tonight and tomorrow seeing if I still have what it takes. Also, my online presence will become more obvious; I won't skulk around invisibly all the time. For those who can, you'll see me visibly on Skype and AIM once again.
Thank you to everyone who has stuck by me through it all. And for those who haven't? Well, you'll never know what you're missing.